Thank You for making me smile


The Art of Darkness

Surviving several droll semesters of "art school", I know what it's like to think inside their box. From systematic textbook lessons on form and shadow, to painting stereotypical buckets of apples in a robotic trance with subjects A-Z standing shoulder to shoulder, art school teaches you everything art isn't — YOU.

I propose a new movement — the Individualist Movement. Art is supposed to evoke emotion. Whether it's happiness, loss, regret, anger, confusion or even bliss (pfft), the emotion is yours alone. Fuck the viewer, expenses, tests, grades, the Masters™, three-hour lectures and paint-by-number projects. Make art for you...forget the rest — it will only get in the way between you and your chaos.

See you in 5th period (not likely),

— Vern

(Select artwork courtesy of Vern Purple)


The King of Wishful Thinking

Computer world,
You cut me down to size
With your zeros and


Drink of Champions

Vernor's Ginger Ale

"Less Ginger. More Ale"


If all else fails...shit your pants.

- Vern

Vern's Closet: Weekly Essentials for Today's Youth

Aloha world! Vern present. Here are a few found treasures you must download, rent, barter or steal right NOW.

Film: They Live (1988). Roddy Piper + shades + body snatchers + kick-ass soundtrack = creative bliss

Music: Dokter Kosmos, Cocktail (1996): Never has neo-communistic, synthpop-noir been so inviting... yet carefree. Key track: Holiday

3. Literature: Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time (1988). A wormhole-in-one!

- Vern

Quote of the Day

“As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!”

- Jack Handey

Album Cover of the Week

"Pasta salad is a dish best served cold"

- Bucky LeMange


Vilhelm VanHelm at the Movies

world. I sneek to many a film show das week. Here wat think das goot and not so goot.

Sex and City: Fruggin hilariooos! I shitiz my pants when das olt womanz kept a dancing and a drinkits lik a olt zombies and a scaring das babies and da da da. Me say: Sneek xtra shitiz pouch and drinky in napsack!

Iron Man
: Kraftwerk meet a Superman! Goot. Goot. Goot. Me like das sidekick from Anthony Michael Hall movie bout foootball hero now play hero wit robotechnic suit that shootas fire. Me say: Zooma Zooma!

Indiana Jones 4: Temple of Skull
: Han solo wear das leather and whip suit and fight wit das nazi and wilderness. effects make me crap seat cover and puke on old guy in seat cover over. Me say: Rather watch dancing starpeople show wit barbawire round eyeball!

- Vilhelm VanHelm

Quote of the Day

"You'll find that empty vessels make the most sound."

- Johnny Rotten


Album Cover of the Week

Quote of the Day

"I don't care if people hate my guts; i assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it."

- William S. Burroughs

The Patriarchs of Purple

What is Vern Purple? Is it a look — fashionable to decenters, DJs and derelicts the world over? Is it a movement — born from dissonance and disregard toward the established doctrines of devolved democracies? Or is it a man — armed with a mustache and pair of cheap aviator sunglasses, sworn to protect the legions of dissatisfied drones driven mad by the dissolution of destructive decrees set forth by disastrous dictators demoralizing decency.

Whatever "D" word Vern Purple defends, I can assure you that he, them or it does it for you — the diabolic distillers of disorder.


A bumper sticker to rule them all


"There is a thin line between love and hate...unless that line is made of Dyslexia. Then there is a lin thine between hove and late."

- Vern

Quote of the Day

"The chief weapon of sea pirates, however, was their capacity to astonish. Nobody else could believe, until it was too late, how heartless and greedy they were."

- Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions


5 comedy classics

1. Monkey smoking cigarette
2. Oversize cowboy hat
3. Fat suit
4. Impromptu choreographed gang fight 
5. The "trip-jog"

Whatever happened to the Shakespearos

"Originality is a dish best served dead." Or so declares the idiot mass eating up their daily dose of plastic, reprocessed garbage.

From downloading the latest jingles "unwritten" by corporate controlled, no talent zombies to idolizing the latest trends sponsored by useless celebrity puppets — Americans wouldn't know creativity if it drunk-dialed their BlackBerry.

Behold this month's creative coverups:

1. Hills cast on cover of Rollingstone
2. Indiana Jones on cover of everything
3. American Idol on cover of original songs
4. Fox on cover of "real" news
5. Dancing shows on cover of corporate ratings

- Mr. Bounty

Clovis Verbruge Killed Bambi

Aloha world. Vern present. Just scribbling words from a remote location deep within the underbelly of a secret base located under my parent's house.

Troubling times have fallen. My nemesis and former neighbor, Mr. Clovis Verbruge, has kidnapped my collection of mint-condition, alabaster water pistols and plans to take them to Furvington's Antique Mall and Pastry, where he will bootleg them to any unsuspected antique-loving drone in exchange for snuff, bear claws or oriental rugs...i'm not sure.

If you see this villainous shrew, approach with caution. I think he stole my dog.